Socratic Square

Engaging Dialogue

The art of having good conversations is not a singular talent; but requires a set of skills that can be acquired and refined throughout our lives. It has also been a subject of study and exploration over many centuries, from the philosophical dialogues of Socrates. Almost everyone agrees that it involves a delicate balance of listening, empathy, curiosity, and persuasion. Every conversation involves at least two people, and a good conversation is often a result of the cooperation and skill of all those who are involved in it. Good conversation does not require those involved in it to agree with each other's perspectives, but great conversations often have a shared goal: of exploration and pursuit of truth. Debates are conversations too - in fact they are made more interesting because of different or opposing views and arguments - but like all conversations, they are intended to persuade each other or an audience of a deeper truth.

Listening

Active listening is the cornerstone of any good conversation. It involves more than just hearing the words spoken by the other person. It requires concentration, understanding, responding, clarifying and remembering the speaker’s message. For instance, when someone shares a personal story, an active listener will not only hear the facts but also understand the emotions and motivations behind them. They will respond in a way that shows they have fully understood and remembered the information, perhaps by asking a follow-up question or summarizing what they have heard.

Bad listeners often exhibit several common characteristics that can hinder effective communication. Here are some of them:

Interrupting: Bad listeners often interrupt the speaker, trying to finish their sentences for them or shifting the focus of the conversation to themselves1. This behavior is perceived as rude and intrusive.
Turning the Conversation Back to Themselves: If a listener consistently shifts the topic back to themselves, it can come across as self-absorbed. This behavior can cause problems in both professional and personal relationships because it indirectly tells the other person that the listener doesn't care about what they are saying.
Poor Nonverbal Skills: Bad listeners often have poor nonverbal skills6. They may not look like they are paying attention, and they don't give much in the way of positive feedback like a nod or a smile.
Not Showing Interest: If a listener doesn't show that they've heard the speaker before responding, it can make the speaker feel like they're talking to a wall.
Cutting Others Off: Cutting others off while they talk can make people feel like the listener doesn't care about what they're saying.
Not Looking at the Speaker: If a listener doesn't look at the speaker when they speak, it can make the speaker feel ignored.
Just Waiting for Their Turn to Talk: If a listener is just waiting for their turn to talk, it can turn the conversation into a one-sided affair.
Thinking About What to Say Next Instead of Listening: If a listener is thinking about what to say next instead of listening to the speaker, it can prevent them from fully understanding what the speaker is saying.
Not Asking Questions to Learn More: If a listener doesn't ask questions to learn more about what the speaker is saying, it can indicate a lack of interest in the conversation.
Replying With Something Off-Topic: If a listener replies with something off-topic, it can indicate that they weren't really listening to the speaker.

Being a good listener is a skill that can be developed with practice. By avoiding these behaviors and practicing active listening, you can become a more effective communicator and build stronger relationships.

Resources

1. 17 Subtle Signs You're a Poor Listener, According to Experts

2. The Eight Habits of Lousy Listeners - Psych Central

3. 21 Signs You’re a Bad Listener - UpJourney

4. Five characteristics of bad listeners - SmartCompany

5. Bad Listeners: 4 Annoying Habits They Have in Common

6. Are You a Bad Listener? : Blog - Harley Therapy

Empathy

Empathy is our capacity for connecting with the experiences and feelings of others. It requires us to have felt the emotions that someone else is feeling now and to remember what it was like when we were in a position similar to them. That is what enables us to acknowledge the other person’s emotions authentically and respond appropriately. For example, if someone is sharing a difficult experience, an empathetic listener will not only understand the facts of the situation but also feel the speaker’s pain or frustration. They will respond in a way that validates the speaker’s feelings, perhaps by expressing sympathy or offering support.

We human beings are remarkable in our ability to empathise even without self-experience. It is sufficient that one remembers how it feels to be sad or happy, to be able to share in the sadness or happiness of another. Even without a memory or experience of being in a similar situation, we have an amazing ability to imagine and therefore approach an understanding of the innermost feelings and emotions of another person.

And yet, precisely because of these wonderful gifts of empathy, memory and imagination, we will never truly understand each other; because no two memories are alike and imagination is no closer to reality than empathy is. What we are able to discover anew about each other will therefore be confined by the narrow boundaries of what we already know and the relative differences in how each of us have experienced life.

However, it is only when we are able to acknowledge the limitations of our understanding, that our hearts can be lifted from the murky waters of vanity and pride. And only love can make us abandon the safety of what we already know, and gives us the courage to venture into the knowable unknown; to be vulnerable. It is only when our hearts are lifted out of the safety of the amniotic fluid of preconception and prejudice, that we are able to see and understand another for who they are. It is through love therefore, that we strive for ever deeper and more intimate understanding of one-another. It is only through humility - that love is able to unravel our hearts, so that the spirit can roam free; to venture in search of deeper appreciation and truer discovery of ourselves, of our loved ones, and of the beauty and mystery of the world around us.

How empathetic are you?

Empathy is a crucial aspect of human interaction, allowing us to understand and share the feelings of others. However, not everyone naturally exhibits a high degree of empathy and all of us can improve our capacity for empathy. Here are some signs that will help you judge your own capacity for empathy:

Critical or Judgmental Attitude: People who lack empathy often fail to give others the benefit of the doubt and assume their actions are meant to hurt or insult others.
Inappropriate Responses: If someone lacks empathy, they may not know how to interpret someone’s gestures and facial expressions or understand the emotions behind their words, which can lead to inappropriate responses.
Poor Listening Skills: People who are distracted or not paying attention when others are talking likely lack empathy.
Impatience: Many people who are lacking in empathy only care about themselves. They see other people’s emotions as a distraction and don’t care to give people the time or space they need to express them.
Tunnel Vision: For someone who’s lacking in empathy, their perspective is the only one that matters.

Now, let’s discuss some specific steps to develop empathy:

Practice Active Listening: Active listening involves fully concentrating on what is being said rather than passively hearing the speaker2. This includes paying attention to the speaker’s words, tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions.
Expose Yourself to Different Perspectives: This can be achieved by reading books, watching films, or having conversations that expose you to different cultures, lifestyles, and beliefs.
Practice Empathy in Everyday Situations: Try to put yourself in other people’s shoes in everyday situations. For example, if someone is upset, try to understand what they might be feeling.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: This encourages others to share more about their experiences and feelings, which can help you to better understand their perspective.
Seek Out Diverse Experiences: Engage with a variety of people from different backgrounds and cultures. This can broaden your perspective and increase your ability to empathize with others.

Empathy is a skill that can be developed with practice. By incorporating these techniques into your daily interactions, you can become more empathetic and improve your relationships.

Curiosity

Curiosity is another key element of good conversation. It involves a genuine interest in the other person and their experiences. This can be demonstrated by asking open-ended questions that encourage the speaker to share more about themselves. For example, instead of asking, “Did you enjoy your vacation?”, which can be answered with a simple yes or no, you might ask, “What was the most memorable part of your vacation?”, which invites the speaker to share a story. The desire to learn and understand, has numerous benefits that can enhance various aspects of our lives. Here are some key benefits of being curious:

Survival and Adaptation: Curiosity helps us adapt to our constantly changing environment by driving us to explore and seek novelty. This exploration allows us to remain vigilant and gain knowledge about our surroundings.
Happiness and Well-being: Research has shown that curiosity is associated with higher levels of positive emotions, lower levels of anxiety, more satisfaction with life, and greater psychological well-being. It can also reduce negative emotions and lower rates of depression.
Achievement and Learning: Curiosity boosts achievement in school and work by increasing enjoyment, participation, and engagement. When we are more curious about and interested in what we are doing, it's easier to get involved, put effort in, and do well.
Empathy and Understanding: Curiosity can expand our empathy by encouraging us to understand those with lives, experiences, and worldviews different than our own. It helps us develop empathy by asking questions and understanding where others are coming from.
Relationships: Curiosity strengthens relationships by fostering mutual interest and understanding. One study found that people were rated as warmer and more attractive if they showed real curiosity in their exchanges.
Leadership: When leaders are genuinely curious about the perspectives of those in their charge, both leaders and their teammates report less negative interactions, less frustration, and leaders are able to make better decisions. Ultimately this increases the effectiveness of leaders and their teams.
Problem Solving: Being curious can improve problem-solving skills by encouraging us to question, explore, and understand the world around us.
Positivity: Being curious can increase positivity by fostering a sense of wonder and appreciation for life.

By cultivating curiosity, we can enhance our learning, improve our relationships, increase our happiness, and lead more fulfilling lives. So, stay curious!

Resources

Persuasion

Persuasion is the power to influence others to accept your point of view. We intuitively assume that persuasion requires confidence, a clear message, understanding your audience, and appealing to reason and logic. For example, if you are trying to persuade someone to adopt a new perspective, you might want to start by acknowledging their current viewpoint, then present your own perspective in a clear and confident manner. You would tailor your message to their interests and values and avoid being overly aggressive or confrontational. But does that really work?

René Girard didn't think so.

René Noël Théophile Girard (December 25, 1923 – November 4, 2015) was a French historian, literary critic, and philosopher of social science, whose main contribution to philosophy, and in turn to other disciplines, was in his theories of the psychology of desire. He argued - very persuasively mind you - that what we found most persuasive were not reason, facts or logic, but our own desires. If we desired to be perceived by others as rational and scientific, we would certainly heed facts and logic. If we desired a means of earning wealth in a short time, we could more easily be persuaded by a person or an idea that offered us a get-rich-quick formula, and so on.

More importantly, Girard proposed that human desire functions imitatively, or mimetically, rather than arising as the spontaneous byproduct of human individuality. Girard's theory of mimetic desire provides a fascinating perspective on the power of persuasion. According to Girard, our desires are not entirely our own, but are shaped and influenced by the desires of others. This is the essence of mimetic desire - we want what others want; we are persuaded by what others find persuasive.

This process of appropriation of desire includes identity formation, the transmission of knowledge and social norms, and material aspirations which all have their origin in copying the desires of others. In other words, Girard argued that people persuade themselves to do what others do. This is easy to realise once it is pointed out, but if you need more convincing, watch the 'Elevator experiment'. In fact, mimetic desire is such a powerful force that not only all commercial advertising but almost the entire global economy is founded on it.

Girard's theory of mimetic desire also warns us of the potential dangers of our innate desire to imitate the crowd, not only because it can persuade us to be misled by falsehoods but also reinforce them in society the same was those 'actors' who get on the elevator in later help reinforce the false norm.

There is also a positive side to mimetic desire. Since we are drawn to imitate the desires, behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs of those around us, both consciously and unconsciously, it means that choosing good role-models and indeed being a good role-model is the most powerful and effective form of persuasion. This form of persuasion does not need rhetoric or logic - it can be so subtle and pervasive that others may not even realize they are being influenced.

In this context, the most persuasive powers are indeed those that light the fire of desire within us, compelling us to imitate or resist. These powers don't necessarily appeal to us to change our minds, but rather induce us to persuade ourselves from within. The way each of us fashion our lives - the ethics we live by and the choices we make, the truth we speak as well as the truths we live by - therefore have the power to persuade others - either to emulate or shun us.

In conclusion, Girard's theory of mimetic desire highlights the subtle and powerful role of imitation in shaping our desires and influencing our actions. It underscores the importance of self-awareness and critical thinking in recognizing and navigating these influences. It's a reminder that the most effective persuasion often comes not from without, but from within.

Resources

The principles of good conversation outlined above have been endorsed by great thinkers and communicators throughout history. Socrates, for instance, advocated for the importance of self-knowledge, questioning, and acceptance of one’s own ignorance. Modern communicators like Celeste Headlee and organizations like The School of Life offer practical tips for improving conversation skills, such as being present, being curious, and showing vulnerability. Great orators like Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Maya Angelou, and Martin Luther King, Jr. have shown us how to inspire audiences with hopeful and bold speeches. And leaders across various fields remind us of the importance of having hard conversations, knowing your audience, and asking detailed questions.

In conclusion, developing the capacity for good conversation involves a combination of active listening, empathy, curiosity, and persuasion. It requires practice and patience, but the rewards - deeper understanding, stronger connections, and more effective communication - are cornerstones of a good life.

Critical Thinking

Critical thinking is the ability to effectively analyse information and form a judgment. It involves questioning, analysing, interpreting, evaluating, and making judgments about what you read, hear, say, or write. Critical thinkers are those who are aware of their own biases and assumptions when encountering information and apply consistent standards when evaluating sources. They make connections between logical ideas to see the bigger picture.

The greatest minds in history have demonstrated exceptional critical thinking skills. For example, Albert Einstein's ability to strip off the irrelevant frills from a problem, Charles Darwin's ability to see new connections in mundane situations, and Galileo Galilei's ability to question popular ideas and assumptions are all examples of critical thinking.

But most of us are not very good at critical thinking because it is difficult and tedious work. One of the most insightful and fun ways to understand what critical thinking constitutes and all the obstacles that make it difficult are outlined in Nobel Prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman’s masterpiece “Thinking, Fast and Slow”. In it, he demonstrates our cognitive biases and tendency to process new information based on what we already know and replace difficult questions with simpler and more familiar ones. Developing a capacity for critical thinking requires understanding the many factors that make it so difficult to do, and being able to catch ourselves when we are merely pretending to think critically.

Developing critical thinking skills involves several steps:

Clarify your thinking: Understand your purpose and context. Play and experiment with your assumptions by applying them to different situations and contexts to test if their are generalisable and true, and where they apply and where they are irrelevant.
Evaluate your assumptions: Our ability to perceive truth is most obscured by what we think we know, and what we are engulfed in so much that we don’t even recognise they exist.
Question your sources of information: Don't accept information at face value.
Identify arguments: Understand the main points of discussions or debates.
Analyse sources and arguments: Break down complex issues into smaller parts and examine their significance.
Evaluate the arguments of others and create or synthesize your own arguments: Make judgments based on your analysis.

As mentioned earlier, there are limits and barriers to critical thinking. Some barriers include our preference for trusting gut feelings, lack of knowledge, egocentric thinking, groupthink, and personal biases. Overcoming these barriers requires self-awareness, open-mindedness, and a willingness to question one's own assumptions.

To practically train yourself in critical thinking, I recommend the following resources:

Books: Both fiction and non-fiction books can expose you to different thoughts, opinions, and ideas.
Courses: Online platforms like Coursera offer courses on critical thinking.
Practice: Apply critical thinking in your daily life. For example, when making decisions, try to use critical thinking to determine the best option.
Active Listening: Practice active listening to understand different perspectives.
Self-reflection: Reflect on your own behaviour and thinking patterns.

Remember, critical thinking is a skill that can be developed over time with practice and patience. It's a journey of continuous learning and self-improvement. Happy learning!

Resources

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